Photo by Annie Spratt
What happens when you take stock of your day, your life, your purpose? What is the nature of the language you use with yourself? Most of us tend to be harsh and critical of how we are conducting our life. We easily spiral into self-talk of “shoulds:” I should be more _____; I should have more ______; I shouldn’t be so _______; So many “shoulds”!
Throughout our lives we receive messages from media, friends, family, culture, etc., about what our life should be like. But these external ideas can pull us away from seeing what our life truly is. For me, I find myself saying, “I shouldn’t be single,” “I should be closer to my sister,” “I should be a better meditator,” and, ironically, “I should be more accepting!”
Life is what it is – a journey full of unexpected twists and turns that inevitably forces our experience to veer from an idealized path. Can we be flexible and see the opportunity inherent in these changes? Can we soften our model of what our life should be, of how we should be, and turn toward what is really happening? Can we embrace the truth of what is here right now?
Photo by June O
This type of acceptance can be difficult. We are hard-wired to be critical and see the negative. We’ve probably survived because of it – better to know of the danger lurking in the woods than be distracted by the glorious sunset. And of course there are often real threats to our health and well being at play, too. Today, however, for many of us, the dangers we face are self-generated: like our harsh self-criticism, striving for unreasonable expectations, and assuming we have control of our lives as we strive towards perfection.
How arrogant, even absurd, really, to think I have control over what happens to me. Here I am, a skin full of cells and organs and thoughts and emotions, all of which comprise an infinitely tiny part of the vast universe in which I live. How could I ever believe that I could master control of this world, just as a matter of mass? How could my thinking brain, capable though I think it is, have any bearing on the myriad forces that I interact with each day – from other people, to weather, to culture, to evolution, to whimsey?
Photo by Moreno Matkovic
I struggle to accept some conditions in my life. I am a doer: is there a problem? Fix it. Figure it out. Do something. Find a plan to make the problem go away, change, or diminish. This paradigm often works, especially in the hectic world of medicine in which I spent many years. “Doing” is how healthcare providers (and many others) accomplish great things much of the time. “Doing” very often works to solve a problem; often a change is needed, there is work to be done. But not always. There is a time to accept what is here, to tolerate discomfort, and to be with the challenge of discord.
Meditation can help cultivate this acceptance. Here is an everyday example of how this process could unfold: You are sitting one day. After a few minutes your nose begins to itch. You feel it. You restrain yourself from the automatic reaction of scratching. You sit with the sensation. You get curious about its intensity, location, and character. Then you notice that the sensation begins to subside. And then it is gone.
This “being with” an uncomfortable (and not harmful) sensation while meditating cultivates our tolerance for discomfort and discord. It is challenging but builds our capacity for equanimity so that when challenges (mostly emotional and mental) in our daily life arise, we can draw on this skill of “being with” or accepting and staying curious about what happens next, rather than jumping in with reactivity.
Photo by Matt Hoffman
A point of clarity: The acceptance I am talking about does not equal complacency or apathy. Nor does it mean passive observation. Acceptance, in fact, can clarify priorities. If I see an injustice, I might be called to do something about it. (Being a “doer” isn’t all bad!) I would be complacent or apathetic if I chose to look the other way: to deny or ignore the injustice. Denying my sadness about the challenges of the world is disrespectful to my own experience. Similarly, accepting and acknowledging sadness, grief, or frustration fosters tolerance and understanding. Acknowledging and accepting as true the suffering of a dear friend does not diminish their experience but validates it. It doesn’t change their experience; rather, our friend feels heard.
My challenge is to acknowledge the unpleasant conditions in my life and discern what is worthy of some effort (work toward a more equitable world) and what I must choose to accept (my advancing age!). Look at your life. What is challenging for you? Is it reasonable to work at diminishing this challenge? Or is this a challenge that must be respected and accepted? Is there some flexibility or opportunity this situation is calling you toward?