There were memories of arguments lost, fears of what would become of me, and someone’s sickly cough rummaging through the meditation hall. My jaw was clenched, as I screamed at myself mentally, fighting back knee pain. And it was only day 2 of 7.
Often when I tell people I’m going on a silent meditation retreat, they seem to imagine I’ll be lounging at a day spa with cucumber slices on my eyes. The description above is just a snapshot of the first multi-day retreat I did 15 years ago. I guess those details don’t really sell it, but maybe the next few paragraphs will.
Why would anyone want to spend days, weeks, or even months in (nearly) complete silence? Not to mention refraining from reading, writing, devices, or any communication with others beyond the retreat space. It turns out there is a great deal of benefit to temporarily disengaging from our typical, everyday lives and spending hours upon hours being with our own mind and heart.
Here’s a little bit of my experience – and lessons learned – from attending multiple silent meditation retreats every year for the last decade and a half.
Being with others is moving and uplifting
The retreats at Mindfulness Northwest are led with a clear schedule, inviting instruction, and quiet surroundings. There is also the undeniable feeling of sharing physical space with other living, breathing humans.
Doing the same practices, eating the same food, walking the same paths, all working through our own s*%t. There is something healing about being around others committed to kindness and goodness.
When I hear people say, “Oh, I couldn’t be quiet for a whole weekend!” or “Wait, I can’t listen to music for a whole week? I don’t think I could do that.” Probably the number one reason you could do these things is because of the strength of the group.
Retreat can be like a bootcamp for your “mindfulness muscle”
Like lifting weights at the gym, returning to the present moment with kindness over and over again strengthens our inner qualities. Kindness, happiness, acceptance, mindfulness, and concentration are trainable skills. How empowering! It’s not a linear path by any means, but the benefits of mindfulness practice are cumulative. Increase the frequency and duration, and increase the benefits.
Something I’ve gotten from retreat that I haven’t from, say, a class, is the chance to settle into a continuous flow of different mindfulness practices from morning until night. Yes, sitting meditation is a key part of it, but so are all the other hours of the day. In a retreat space, I have found it is much easier to live out my intentions to mindfully walk, eat, use the bathroom, wash dishes, and share space with others.
This practice seeps into my everyday life when I go back home. For example, I used to always need background noise from a TV or music when I washed dishes. Now it’s actually more enjoyable to just be present with the soapy water and clanking dishes.
Accepting your own friend request
Retreat is diving into the deep end of the pool. In a practical and down-to-earth way, this means learning to be our own best friend. It also means being willing to see how we are not friendly to ourselves. This is not always obvious and easily flies under the radar of our awareness.
One retreat I had a lot of regret come up around the end of a relationship that I wish I had handled differently. I was hating myself for how I behaved. And I realized my judgments of my past self only created divisions in my current self.
Typically, these feelings (and thoughts) of regret would get “lost in the shuffle” in my ordinary life, never really being given the attention they deserve. On retreat, however, they can get more attention, and they are given a lot more space.
This space and mindful attention allowed me to work with these painful memories and emotions in a new way. I would do self-compassion meditation in my room before bed. I sobbed nearly every night until my heart filled with gratitude and contentment. It didn’t “fix” everything, but I could feel a real healing was taking place. And now those old memories just don’t stick to me like they once did.
This is not esoteric or mystical stuff, it’s just accepting ourselves as we are, with as much kindness as we can offer in that moment. It takes real courage to do this kind of work; being ourselves and touching into who we really are can be scary. But since we are our most consistent companions, why not make friends with ourselves in the process?
Who Knows?
Despite all this, who knows how a meditation retreat will really impact us? We all have our own unique retreat experiences that may or may not feel life-changing, but they can nudge us in the “right” direction. A transcontinental ship nudged just 1 or 2 degrees in either direction is enough to land you in a completely different country.
Yes, the knee pain comes and goes, as does the worrying mind. And, it is not uncommon for me on a retreat to walk after a period of sitting meditation and notice that the sky looks more vibrant; the bird’s call sounds more melodic; and the wind in the trees seems to soften every muscle in my body. I’ve never appreciated more the grace of a duck landing in the water, or the kindness of a stranger holding the door open for me. Somehow, everything in my life feels more workable.
Meditation retreats are not a panacea, they are simply an opportunity to see more colors on life’s palette, to learn ways to not feel so stuck. Possibilities abound when we share space with others, and allow kind awareness to consume us. Sliced cucumbers: optional.